“Don’t you think I would have thought of that on my own?” he would say. So, what can be done? If you’re a defensive person, are you doomed to drive people away with your defensiveness forever? If you’re in a relationship with a defensive person, should you just cut and run? Not just yet. Why do some people have this defensive emotional response while others don’t? Well, as a matter of fact, we all do have it. The difference is each person’s unique biological stress set-point—the point at which your fight-or-flight stress response is activated. Think about it: What causes one person to flinch with fear causes another person to experience joy or pleasure; think about rappelling, paragliding, or getting close to wild animals. Our reactions to criticism can be filtered through the same lens as our reactions to snakes or heights or small, confined spaces. The serpent handler is to the person who cannot stand looking at photos of snakes as the person who hears criticism with curiosity is to the one who perceives everything as an attack. The good news is, defensiveness can be managed. If you are a person who has been called “highly defensive,” then consider whether there might be a grain of truth to it. Remember that this is not a character flaw; it may well be something that was once a protection for you but is no longer. Remember that we all suffer from the same human condition of imperfection, and we can change outdated behavior with intention, willingness, and skill. The following tips will actually help to heal the most sensitive people, because hearing someone else’s complaint gently means learning to manage one’s own inner critic. Often, the people who have the hardest time acknowledging their part in situations carry around the harshest inner critic. But to love ourselves doesn’t mean that we’re above criticism. It means that we hold a deep conviction of our own worthiness and our right to be treated with care and respect. If you are a person who is overly defensive, don’t make it something to criticize yourself for. Reframe it as your human struggle, which we each have, and one that you can change. Want more insights on how to level up your life? Find out why holding on to past relationships is the worst thing you can do for yourself.
