One common strategy for couples trying to have a more egalitarian relationship is to divvy up the domestic tasks so that each person is responsible for half of them. For example, one person does laundry and dishes, while the other does cooking and carpool. We posed the question to Dan Carlson, Ph.D., a sociologist and University of Utah professor who studies family relationships, gender, and work. His answer, point-blank: “No. It’s not effective.” The results showed that couples who entirely divvied up the tasks between them, with each responsible for their own set, didn’t tend to be any happier with the relationship than conventional couples where the woman does most or all of the housework. Among generally egalitarian couples, Carlson says just half of the couples who used the “divide up the tasks” method actually found their arrangement to be fair. “The issue with divvying tasks is that tasks vary in their qualities. Some are more time-consuming, less pleasant, and more isolating than others. Divvying tasks is rarely a fair process,” Carlson explains. “When tasks are divvied, chances are that one partner will get the short end of the stick somehow.” In a draft of the study shared with mindbodygreen, Carlson offers some examples: Grocery shopping, for instance, might actually be pretty pleasant because it gives a person time outside the house and the opportunity to interact with other people. Cleaning the toilet or stovetop, on the other hand, is a pretty solitary task—you do it all by yourself, it’s dirty and kind of gross, and it’s possible that nobody will even notice you did it. There are also routine tasks (daily things like cooking, doing the dishes, and laundry) and non-routine tasks (less regular things like yard work, taking care of the car, and paying bills). If one person is saddled with more of the routine tasks, which tend to make up the majority of the time spent doing housework, it can lead to some contention and frustration over time. Even though on paper it may look like the tasks are split down the middle, one person may feel like they’re working on chores constantly while the other is only needing to tackle household tasks every now and then. “There are a lot of reasons tasks get divvied unfairly, but one is gender,” Carlson says. “Gender power in relationships means that women may be deferential to their male partners’ desires and preferences. Men may use that power to take on tasks that are more ’enjoyable’ or less onerous.” In other words, if a man’s assigned tasks are all things that he’s more likely to enjoy (say, car maintenance and yard work), while his wife’s assigned tasks are the daily slog of life (cooking and laundry), then it’s likely the woman may not actually feel better about the division of labor even if her husband is technically doing half the tasks. “Ninety-eight percent of those who share in the completion of all the tasks find their relationships fair,” Carlson says. “The reason sharing in the completion of all the tasks works is that it affects each partner the same.” In the paper, he points out that sharing tasks (rather than dividing them up) likely makes partners feel closer to each other because they must communicate more, engage in mutual decision-making and teamwork, and spend more time together—leading to a stronger relationship overall. Sharing tasks also removes the possibility of one person getting saddled with all the undesirable chores and makes sure the couples is equally sharing all the ups and downs of keeping a household running. It just feels more equal and mutual. “Couples can still create a chore list, but the aim is not to divvy tasks,” Carlson says. “Create a list where you decide which days each partner will wash the dishes or do the laundry or take out the trash. Alternate days or weeks. Or maybe even do them together.” In other words, both people should be doing the laundry equally often. Both people should be taking out the trash equally often. “It is OK if there are one or two tasks that you decide to divvy,” he adds, “but try to share the load on most things.” That also includes finding ways to share the mental load—i.e., the responsibility of managing and overseeing all the tasks to make sure they get done. If one person is always asking or reminding the other to get their chores done, that’s a good sign that the mental load is not being shared equally. Of course, if a system where each person is assigned their own set of tasks to be responsible for is working for your relationship, great! There’s no need to change something that’s working. But if the chore lists have not been helping, mutually sharing your tasks—instead of dividing them up between you two—might be the secret to creating the egalitarian relationship you crave. With her warm, playful approach to coaching and facilitation, Kelly creates refreshingly candid spaces for processing and healing challenges around dating, sexuality, identity, body image, and relationships. She’s particularly enthusiastic about helping softhearted women get re-energized around the dating experience and find joy in the process of connecting with others. She believes relationships should be easy—and that, with room for self-reflection and the right toolkit, they can be. You can stay in the loop about her latest programs, gatherings, and other projects through her newsletter: kellygonsalves.com/newsletter
