“Let’s do this,” I replied. In the following years, my hair would fall out in little patches around my head and eventually grow back. It was just enough to make me self-conscious but not so much that anyone else noticed. Sometimes there were several bald spots, and sometimes there was just one. There didn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason to my hair loss cycles. I went to numerous doctors, none of whom could solve my hair loss. One doctor offered me a smelly cream that just made my remaining hair look gross. Other doctors offered me steroid injections, which seemed to work. Every month for 18 years, I would go to the doctor and get between 50 and 100 injections of corticosteroids directly into my scalp. These injections made my hair grow back, but before I knew it, another bald spot would crop up. As a young woman, hair was a crucial part of my identity. I felt that my bright blond hair introduced me wherever I went; it defined me. Externally, I did everything I could to hide my hair loss. I parted my hair in different ways, plastered it in place with hair spray, went through periods when I would only wear a ponytail, and I ultimately began wearing a wig. Hiding my hair loss became an obsession. I looked into every mirror I passed by to see if a bald spot was visible, I was terrified when the wind blew, and I didn’t want to go swimming for fear that my bald spots would show. My alopecia was my biggest secret, and I became a prisoner of my condition. As my hair loss became worse over the years, I stopped wondering who I would be if I didn’t have perfect hair and started wondering who would I be if I didn’t have any hair at all. Would I be beautiful? Would people recognize me? Would I still be me? At age 26, I hit rock bottom. After a fateful night during which I almost took my own life, I woke up with the profound realization that I could not live this way any longer. I made the decision then and there to fully surrender, and I took steps toward sobriety. In doing so, I began to have a spiritual awakening. The healing that I had been seeking for so many years could only come through self-love and self-acceptance. I began a daily gratitude practice, which helped me start to see my hair loss from a new perspective. Rather than wanting to resist it, battle it, or hide it, I could see that alopecia was given to me as a gift. Later, I became a certified yoga instructor and started sharing healing tools professionally, traveling around the world, leading sound baths and moon ceremonies as my life gained a new sense of purpose. Through sharing the tools that helped me reconnect with self-love, my life transformed in ways that I never dreamed were possible. I continue to shave my head almost every day and have no idea whether or not I have bald spots due to alopecia anymore. To be honest, it doesn’t matter. I can now see that there is nothing wrong with me and there never has been. Alopecia has been my greatest struggle and my greatest teacher. Through this journey, I have learned that I get to choose how I experience my life, and today I choose a life free from struggle and self-judgment. Today I choose a life of love.
