Anger gets a bad rep, but it can actually be a useful tool for understanding what’s going on beneath the surface (or the tip of the iceberg), when we learn to dig deeper into where the anger is coming from. Recognizing when anger is rooted in sadness, shame, or a number of other different emotions can allow us to process those emotions and work through them in a healthy, productive way. The Institute notes that anger need not be suppressed, as it is a valid and necessary emotion for understanding what’s going on inside of us. And further, that understanding anger empowers individuals to have constructive, healing conversations around their pain. Of course, the emotion(s) causing someone’s anger is not always clear, which is why it’s just one part of the inner work necessary to make this tool useful. For example, perhaps you’re dealing with the death of a loved one, and the grief, pain, or even guilt of that loss is bubbling up on the surface, leading you to lash out at friends and family. That anger is often protecting you from the deeper, more vulnerable emotions involved in loss that are more challenging to express. “Like any other emotion, the feeling of anger is communicating something to us,” Lippman-Barlie notes. “The iceberg makes us aware that we need to look further into why we are feeling angry and what other emotions have led to the anger we are currently experiencing.” And just as important as understanding your own anger is understanding anger that’s directed toward you from another. When we can recognize another’s anger as something deeper, like pain or shame, we can approach conflict more compassionately, without reacting defensively. “Look at your anger as communication,” she says. “What is it trying to tell you? After all, it’s here for a reason.” Anger is a natural and essential emotion that is bound to come up in one way or another. Don’t run from it. When we can learn how to deal with our own anger, it benefits not only us but everyone in our lives, helping us maintain positive relationships that are conscious, open, and mindful.
