As licensed marriage and family therapist Shane Birkel, LMFT, tells mbg, you can take as much time as you need to process before letting them know, whether it’s a couple of hours or a couple of days. “You’ll have the ability to experience all those emotions without there being any pressure,” he says. She also adds you’ll want to pick a time and place when and where you can share in the joy at your own speed with no interruptions, so it’s not a bad idea to make sure your partner knows you want to set aside time to talk. “Sometimes people can feel disappointed if the other person is shocked, quiet, or doesn’t know what to say,” he notes, adding, “That doesn’t mean they’re not going to be excited or there’s anything wrong, it just means they haven’t had that chance to process this huge life event yet.” Birkel adds that if you are not in a committed relationship with the person who got you pregnant, and you intend to terminate the pregnancy, he says it’s up to you to decide whether you tell them at all. “Choose an appropriate setting. Pick a place that is private to make room for the range of emotions that could arise,” she says, adding those emotions can range from shock to denial to excitement and even fear. “There may also be anger, so if a person is worried about a reaction, it’s best to have a trusted family member or close friend nearby,” she notes. Consider your safety in the situation. A licensed professional, such as a therapist, can also be a big help here if necessary, she adds. Regardless of how the conversation transpires (which we’ll get to in a moment), Birkel advises clearly letting them know exactly what’s going on, how you’re feeling, and how you want to proceed (or not proceed) with the pregnancy and potential parenthood. You want to make sure you’re both clear about how the other feels. You’ll want to consider whether you’re ready for a baby and want to be a parent at this moment in your life. Birkel says it’s ultimately up to you to decide whether you even want to include the other person in this decision, but if you do want to make the decision together, it’s also important to factor in the status of your relationship. If you’ve only been together for a few months, for example, he says you shouldn’t feel like you have to stay together just for the sake of the child. From there, if you do decide you want to move forward with the pregnancy, Spinelli says it’s more than normal to experience a myriad of emotions, so be gentle with yourself. “Emotions from joy to fear show up simultaneously,” she notes. Having a solid support system throughout the pregnancy will also go a long way in easing the physical and mental burdens of pregnancy and motherhood, so she advises turning to support where it feels safe to explore your feelings and options without judgment. “Reaching out to a therapist to navigate this space can really help the couple figure out their next steps,” she adds. Pregnancy can sometimes feel isolating, but Spinelli notes to remember that there is no “right” way. Maintain your boundaries from those who you feel don’t support you, and surround yourself with those who do. And of course, be sure to lean into self-care, she says. Overall, as you make it through the next nine months, it’s important to seek out resources to keep yourself in good health, physically and mentally, for you and the baby.
