They come up with excuses that strike you as flimsy, and they start responding to your texts with a detached “haha” or “nice.” You end up feeling anxious, confused, and lonely when the weekend rolls around. Whether that makes them a viable partner is neither here nor there; if you’re interested in learning how to support and love someone whose personality aligns this way, you can learn from psychological studies on the matter. That means your partner’s actions have roots in experiences they likely had long before they met you. The back-and-forth has much more to do with them than it does with you. RELATED: Avoidant Attachment Style In Relationships Also, people’s attachment styles are usually not black-and-white, so they may have tendencies that also indicate other attachment styles—it’s one of the things people get wrong about attachment styles. In their landmark book on attachment theory, Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love, Amir Levine, M.D., and Rachel Heller, M.A., wrote that avoidants push their partners away, not because of a lack of interest but because intimacy is a trigger for them. In an avoidant’s mind, feeling increasingly dependent on any one person opens them up for possible pain and rejection, and this can play out in a romantic relationship as mixed signals. If you feel that your partner’s emotions toward you are hot and cold, their attachment style might be the root cause of the confusion. It may also manifest in normal conversations. If you say that you’ve been having a rough day, or if you get frustrated with something other than your partner, and your partner responds as if they’re being attacked, that could be an indicator that they’re an avoidant. On the surface, it might appear that your partner isn’t interested in having “real” conversations with you, but in reality, they may be so thoroughly conditioned by their upbringing and prior experiences with inconsistent love that they react to any negative emotion with anxiety and fear. Avoidants will often neglect to offer help or support when their loved ones express a need for it, not necessarily because they don’t recognize the need or because they don’t care. It’s more likely that they’ve connected the idea of support with extreme vulnerability in their heads; they believe that showing weakness is embarrassing because their earliest memories of asking for help ended badly. This might keep your avoidant partner from asking too much of you, and it also might come across as them having ice in their veins. If they do agree to do you a favor, they might downplay its meaning and act irritated when you try to thank them. If your partner seems to assume you’re upset when you’re not, or if they step away from you after an argument and prefer to sweep things under the rug rather than discuss them, they may be an avoidant. In general, dating an avoidant can feel as though you are speaking two different dialects, though your partner may find it easier to get on your wavelength if your relationship isn’t rocky. If you’ve seen your partner live through a difficult situation, like perhaps the loss of another loved one, a professional rejection, or a traumatic experience, and if they seemed oddly cold to you, they may not be unusually resilient. It could be a sign that they’ve learned to suppress their vulnerable emotions over time. RELATED STORY: Fearful-Avoidant Attachment: 13 Signs & Relationship Patterns It’s their responsibility to change their attachment style, of course, if that’s what they’d like to do, but you can support them and help meet their emotional needs in the meantime: Keep this dynamic in mind when you do little favors for your partner; it’s not a fun situation if you’re teasing them about forgetting something. If it’s cold and you offer them your jacket, don’t make a big deal out of dressing for the weather. If you grab them a beer while you wait at the bar for your date to start, don’t poke fun at them for being late. They will always take that playful criticism and run with it in their heads. Whatever is required in order to feel more secure in your attachment and identity, try to do that activity while you can. It might look like therapy, or meditation, or spending time with platonic friends. The good news is, most of the emotional work you should be doing in a relationship with an avoidant is the kind of processing a healthy person would do for any partner. It’s just that you might need to be extra mindful of certain things. While dating someone who’s an avoidant isn’t easy, it is possible. They may be able to change their attachment style over time with your support. If you’re unsure if your partner is an avoidant, or whether or not you have an avoidant attachment style, take this quick, 5-minute quiz to find out what your type is.
