Most often, relationship anxiety refers to the feelings associated with getting to know a new partner for the first time, according to licensed psychotherapist Siobhan D. Flowers, Ph.D. But it can exist in long-term relationships as well, particularly if you are an already anxious person or if your anxiety is actually a sign that you’re in the wrong relationship. Relationship anxiety might be tied to having an anxious attachment style, a particular way of relating to others rooted in insecurity. It’s estimated that roughly 19% of people have an anxious attachment style. “Once we really start to like this person, our ‘attachment stuff’ gets activated,” Moran explains, “and all of a sudden we’re seeing interactions through this lens of, ‘Are you really there for me?’” “We all see our experience through a unique lens,” Moran says. “If we grew up with parents that we feel weren’t really there for us or that really hurt us, or we felt betrayed by them or felt we couldn’t be who we are,” he explains, these wounds will get triggered in our intimate relationships. Our past experiences may lead us to distrust others or feel reluctant to get close to anyone because you’ve learned that people you love can hurt you or abandon you. The way we were parented is understood to be linked to our attachment style, and those with an anxious attachment style will often struggle with trusting and opening up in a relationship—especially if their partner’s attachment style isn’t compatible with theirs. (Anxious attachment and avoidant attachment, together, can cause some miscommunications!) Additionally, if you’ve experienced manipulation, cheating, or abuse from a partner, that can affect how you approach your relationships going forward as well. Lastly, those with low self-esteem and low self-worth may feel relationship anxiety because things like a slow text back can trigger fears that they’re not good enough for their partner or their partner has decided they don’t like them anymore. As you begin to unpack where your relationship fears come from, it can be helpful to seek the guidance of a therapist or counselor, to help work through the past experiences at the root of the problem. In time, through communication and trust, you can build a healthy relationship with a healthy amount of anxiety (because, again, a little is normal). And just because you have relationship anxiety, that doesn’t mean the person is wrong for you, Moran notes. If the real underlying issue is your own wounds and insecurities, you can experience those fears and triggers with anyone. But there are instances when relationship anxiety isn’t completely unfounded, Moran adds. There can be real red flags or things that don’t add up that can rightfully trigger suspicion. Distinguishing between what’s real and what’s a projection is key. “How much of this anxiety is a sign you need to pay attention to, and then how much of it is you getting triggered because you care?” he says. “Folks have to do that inner work to discern what’s going on there. And if you determine it’s your own stuff that’s getting triggered, that’s when you start doing your own work.”
