What did I say? Was it the trance of bliss or…the kink? It was consensual, of course, but I had crossed some sort of invisible line. I wondered: “How come blow jobs are OK to discuss, but a spanking is too hard-core for conscious folks? Couldn’t conscious spanking exist? And where is safe to talk about real sex if not with people we love?” In order to heal, we must actually start talking about it—the good, the bad, and the ugly—in safe places and with people we trust. Coaches. Healers. In sacred circles. With love and understanding and intentionality and no judgment. Sexual shame can prevent us from living a healthy sex life, first and foremost, which is one reason to face it. But we often bring it to other areas of life, too! Our repressed sexual shame can show up in friendships, as jabs at friends who may trigger something in us. It can show up as menstrual cramps, IBS, self-confidence issues. Sexual shame is often an elephant in the room in today’s world. Here again, as with every part of the transformational process, change begins with awareness. Your core wounds may come up, reflected in your daily life, relationships, and thoughts. You may attract some situations that trigger your wounding and may serve as opportunities for healing. Remember, this is how you know it’s working! This is not a bad thing. This is productive. It’s really important to let yourself feel whatever surfaces and not be afraid. Each emotion, each trigger, and each memory that arises is important. Do what you need to do to be safe, take it at whatever pace you need, care for yourself. If you have had many sexual experiences that were intrusive and nonconsensual or are holding on to a lot of sexual shame, this may feel like a no-go zone for you. That is OK. I trust you to trust yourself and tread with gentleness and care. I trust you also to know when to stop if something feels like it’s too much for your system. When to take a pause and breathe. And when to keep going into the work. This takes a lot of awareness and discernment, skills you will cultivate over time, in your daily practice and contemplative work. Keep up with your daily practice. Take impeccable care of yourself. Ask a friend for support. Take an Epsom salt bath. Other ways to move energy that feels sticky in your body: Have a deep cry, punch a pillow, find a place to have a good scream, shake your body out or dance vigorously, write like you’re vomiting words in your journal, go to a steam room or sauna. Whatever you do, letting the feelings move out of your body is key. And, again, do not be afraid of the depth and breadth of the feelings that may come up when you are doing this work. Instead, look at it as an opportunity to reclaim some of your power. Remember that before acceptance may come rage, sadness, anger, and fear, and all of this is OK. Excerpted with permission from F*ck Like a Goddess: Heal Yourself. Reclaim Your Voice. Stand in Your Power., by Alexandra Roxo, published by Sounds True, July 2020, RRP $22.49.
