“Most people have engaged in some sort of virtual sex without realizing it,” board-certified sexologist Jessica Cline, MSW, LCSW, tells mbg. Some people assume virtual sex only refers to having sex on Zoom or interacting with cam girls, she notes, but “the first paid phone sex line was established about 40 years ago. I think it’s helpful to put that into context as a way to normalize fostering sexual connection and pleasure when in-person [sex] isn’t available.” Because you and your partner(s) don’t actually make physical contact during virtual sex, some might not consider it “real” sex, but it is. Sweet emphasizes that sex is much broader than the typical view of penis-in-vagina penetration. “If it gets you off,” she says, “put it in the bucket of sex.” Cline also points out that “studies by the Kinsey Institute have shown that virtual sex creates emotional connections and sexual gratification in some of the same ways as in-person physical sexual acts/touch.” While many people might favor the sensory component of physical touch during sex, there are benefits of virtual sex. Besides eliminating the risk of STIs and unwanted pregnancy, virtual sex is convenient, accessible for people of all abilities, and a great option to explore new sexual acts you may not feel comfortable doing in person. It also allows long-distance couples to create and maintain their intimacy from anywhere in the world. Likewise, depending on how you do it, virtual sex can allow you to connect with people outside of your daily life and routine. Your partner can even violate your trust by secretly sharing the virtual sex session with another person in the room without your consent, says AASECT-certified sex therapist Courtney Geter, LMFT, CST. It’s not sexy to think about, but “What you do in the digital space can be frozen in time forever,” warns Sweet. It’s important to use a secure means of connection, “ideally something encrypted,” advises Cline. It’s also important to communicate with your partners and set firm boundaries with everyone you engage with, even if it’s a little awkward. That said, just because someone promises to keep your content safe doesn’t mean they will. “Privacy is an illusion on the internet,” Sweet says—even when you’re having virtual sex with people you know and trust. There’s almost no way to guarantee your privacy during virtual sex. If we’ve learned anything from leaked celebrity sex tapes and the rise of nonconsensual pornography and revenge porn, it’s that internet privacy doesn’t exist. Just because you want to have virtual sex doesn’t mean you deserve to have your privacy infringed upon, but that’s the unfortunate reality of what’s at stake. If virtual sex turns into the buying or selling of sexual services that take place in person, it may violate laws against sex work that exist in many states. Cline adds that some sex workers promote their services on social media, forums, and other online platforms, which might conflict with that site’s terms of service and get you banned. Additionally, in most states, any interaction with someone under the age of 17 that involves any kind of sexual relations can constitute a cybersex crime. Even searching for child pornography is considered illegal. Taking, sending, or receiving sexual photos of anyone underage is considered child pornography creation and distribution, meaning that teens who send nude photos of themselves can potentially get themselves—and their recipients—in trouble with the law. To avoid any mishaps during virtual sex that can lead to legal ramifications, stay up-to-date with relevant laws around sexuality in your state, and only engage with people you’re certain are 18 or older. “For something to be sex, it needs to be consensual; otherwise, it’s abuse,” Sweets says. “And that’s a really important distinction.” Geter suggests having open conversations with your partner(s) around expectations, “including what you’d both like to get out of the time together, any boundaries—i.e., no one else in the room, no recording, not saying certain words or phrases—and creating safety words or phrases in case the session is unexpectedly interrupted.” Remember: If it’s not a full yes, it’s a no. And if there’s something you don’t want to do, “You have the power to say no and end a session if your boundaries are not being respected,” reminds Cline. You’ll also want to ensure the platform you use is as private and secure as possible before diving in. During virtual sex, it’s everyone’s responsibility to foster a safe environment. “If we go at the pace of the slowest party, then we’re really respecting and embodying consent,” says Sweet. If anyone is pressuring you to do something you’ve clearly said you don’t want to do (for example, sending photos or turning your video on), they may not be a trustworthy partner. Feel free to end the session immediately. Not only does a change of lighting enhance the virtual sex experience, but changing your light bulb to a popular color like red, for instance, gives you the upper advantage if you want to send nude photos and videos without your face and other identifying features being too visible. Plus, you’ll feel really sexy. Some ways to do that: Green means go, yellow is caution, and red means stop. With this method, Sweet says we can “communicate with our partners and negotiate consent using words that aren’t triggering in the way ‘ouch,’ or ’no,’ might be” due to their correlation to shame. “Unless you’re an octopus, having your device hands-free is recommended to allow for more comfort, no dropping phones or having to put the phone down, and allowing you to have both of your hands to use in play.” Virtual can sex can be anything you want it to be! As long as you and your partner communicate and express enthusiastic consent, don’t hesitate to explore anything that makes you and your body feel good.
