Don’t worry. If you’re dealing with a crush when you are married, follow these tips from therapists and psychologists on handling your crush without compromising your marriage. Crushes are particularly a dime a dozen in the workplace. In a recent study conducted by SimplyHired, 74% of full-time employees in committed relationships revealed they were attracted to an office colleague, so having a work crush even if you’re married is nothing out of the ordinary. As for why your crush might feel so intoxicating, there’s a solid scientific reason. “Intense chemicals are at play when you first experience attraction: serotonin, adrenaline, and dopamine,” O’Reilly explains. “This cascade of hormones can result in feeling a degree of obsession and idealization of a new partner.” If you feel yourself falling for someone, take a step back—it’ll help you protect your committed relationship and evaluate the crush in a logical way. “Feeling excited by or attracted to someone else doesn’t mean there is something missing in your relationship,” O’Reilly says. “One partner cannot possibly fulfill every single one of your needs—the practical to the sexual—so it’s common to look for other sources of excitement and fulfillment.” If so, consider how you can infuse your current relationship with these absent elements. For instance, brainstorm ways your partner can provide you with more validating attention, O’Reilly suggests. “Our fantasies show us what we’re attracted to,” marriage therapist Gal A. Szekely, LMFT, tells mbg. “They’re about wanting to have a certain experience more than they are about the real other person. What you fantasize about is a compass leading you to what’s important to you… So, you should ask yourself: In my fantasy, how do I feel about myself? What experience does it provide for me? Then, see if there are other ways you can invite that experience into your life, especially with your current partner.” Of course, it’s also possible that your crush doesn’t mean anything and is truly harmless. Instead, it might merely reveal what you find titillating—and “using unrealistic images, themes, and settings is part of what makes sexual fantasy so powerful,” says O’Reilly. However, if you are fantasizing a lot about one person, “it is critical that you examine what you are avoiding,” advises Lesli Doares, North Carolina–based relationship coach and author of Blueprint for a Lasting Marriage. “Avoidance is rarely a good long-term plan because the truth will eventually come out and usually in an uncontrolled way.” If you feel the urge to actualize the relationship with your crush, remind yourself that your conception of them is usually a fantasy. There is no way your real-life partner, whom you know so well (warts and all) and have likely been with for some time, can compete with this idealized persona. That’s because the initial newness and excitement of any relationship fade over time. To gain clarity, O’Reilly recommends accepting that your feelings are a result of “the chemicals associated with novelty and the unknown—not the result of having found ’the one.’” She also suggests compiling a list of “all the things you love about your crush and all the things you don’t know about them. You’ll find that the latter is much longer than the former.” While some relationship experts feel that playful banter can be acceptable, most warn that it is highly risky. Newman takes a balanced view. “Flirting can be an innovative way to build sexual tension or energy that you can take home to your committed relationship to bolster the connection,” she says. “However, flirting that leads someone else on could be unfair to them, especially if they are eschewing pursuing their other romantic prospects holding out hope for this connection.” California-based clinical psychologist Carla Marie Manly, Ph.D., disagrees, considering both fantasizing and flirting “forms of emotional betrayal… Even the most casual flirtations open the door to feelings and actions that could create problems down the road,” she cautions. Similarly, Wyatt Fisher, Psy.D., a psychologist, marriage counselor, and couples’ retreat leader, views both endeavors as “playing with fire.” Ideally, your decision on flirting should be one you make with your partner. If your loved one considers flirting to be tantamount to cheating, respect their wishes. Wright especially suggests telling your partner if you’re feeling guilty about harboring the secret or if they directly ask you about the person in question. Lying will only exacerbate the entire situation and can make something minor and fleeting into something more threatening and divisive. O’Reilly also points out that being open with your partner might help defuse your feelings. After all, the forbidden or taboo aspect of crushes often adds to their allure. For a similar reason, she sometimes recommends introducing partners to crushes. “You may be crushing on this person as a form of escape from your predictable life, so bridge those two worlds of fantasy and reality to help put things in perspective so that you can think more realistically,” she says. To avoid making your partner feel inadequate or nervous, use a light and humorous tone when having the conversation, Doares advises. If your partner is insulted nonetheless, Szekely says to help them focus less on the other person and more on what it is this crush makes you feel about yourself. “If they can be open to that perspective, they will take it less personally,” Szekely says.
