So let’s talk about how to be friends with your ex—and when it does and doesn’t work. According to licensed marriage therapist Weena Cullins, LCMFT, sometimes two people find they don’t work as romantic partners, but there are aspects of their relationship that are still valuable and can be healthily maintained through a friendship. “Being friends with your ex can be a good idea when other aspects of the relationship were valuable to your growth, development, or life goals,” she explains. “If you and your ex identify that you make better business partners, workout buddies, or friends, and you are able to maintain healthy boundaries with each other, then creating an authentic friendship could work.” She adds that it can be especially beneficial if you and your ex have children together. Though she says friendships aren’t necessary for successful co-parenting, it may create an easier environment for both the parents and the kids. “It can also provide increased flexibility with managing schedules, discipline issues, and the general flow of information.” That said, being friends with an ex can sometimes make it harder to successfully move on from the relationship if there are still lingering romantic feelings for each other or if tension arises when you both start dating other people. That said, if the love you have for your ex still feels intense, hot, emotional, or wistful, staying friends may make it hard for you to let go of the relationship and fully move on. You may want to consider: The key, says Cullins, is making sure that any relationship you have with your ex isn’t getting in the way of your ability to move on and (if it’s what you want) potentially connect with other people. “If you discover that you or your ex are unable to maintain boundaries with each other, then you should cut ties,” Cullins says. “If you truly want to move on and find that your ex is still occupying the romantic space that your future partner should have access to, then it’s a good idea to cut things off completely with your ex.” Likewise, make sure you’re taking seriously any mixed signals or signs that your ex is pretending to be over you. As licensed therapist Ken Page, LCSW, recently told mbg, sometimes people lie to their exes—or to themselves—about how “OK” they are with the breakup, in part because they’re just trying to rush the process of moving on. “We want to be resilient,” he explains, but it’s important to be emotionally honest with ourselves about where we truly are in the stages of getting over a breakup. Your friendship should not be identical to your former relationship. There should be differences in your dynamic in terms of how integrated your lives are, how much you rely on each other, and how much intimacy you share. If your relationship is pretty much the same as before you broke up, then did you actually break up? Remember: Relationships without labels are still relationships. It’s OK to decide you need to take a step back if you realize that it’s too emotionally complicated to maintain a friendship with your ex. You can gently explain that you’d like to take some more time and space, whether for now or for the foreseeable future. You can wish each other well and express that you care about your ex, even as you name your need for space and end the friendship. And remember, even if you’re not actively staying “friends” per se, you can still—and should—be cordial and kind to one another anytime your paths do cross. You don’t need to actively maintain a friendship with one another to still be caring toward each other. With her warm, playful approach to coaching and facilitation, Kelly creates refreshingly candid spaces for processing and healing challenges around dating, sexuality, identity, body image, and relationships. She’s particularly enthusiastic about helping softhearted women get re-energized around the dating experience and find joy in the process of connecting with others. She believes relationships should be easy—and that, with room for self-reflection and the right toolkit, they can be. You can stay in the loop about her latest programs, gatherings, and other projects through her newsletter: kellygonsalves.com/newsletter
