But can looking at these seemingly perfect couples online interfere with our own romantic relationships? Here, how social media can affect your relationships and more. Research has shown social media use can both positively and negatively affect relationships, depending on how it’s used. For example, social media can contribute to unhealthy comparison and unrealistic expectations for what relationships are supposed to be like, and couples may spend more time curating an “image” of who they are rather than focusing on the relationship itself. Social media use has also been linked to poor body image and depression, which can negatively affect relationships. Attempting to measure up can distract you and your partner from the relationship. Inevitably, real life won’t look like the endless highlight reels we see on social media, which can lead to disappointment in either yourself, your partner, or both. “You may begin to feel jealous of how much someone posts about their partner and feel resentment toward your partner for not doing the same,” Ajjan says. “The lifestyles you are scrolling through may change how satisfied you are in your relationship because they seem to be better than what you have.” If you are prone to jealousy because of an insecure attachment style, research says you may be more likely to get stuck in a cycle of endless scrolling to keep an eye on your partner’s activities. People may get upset seeing their partner liking or commenting on other people’s posts, stoking concerns that their partner is interested in other people (or worse, is already cheating). The use of Facebook, in particular, has been shown to increase feelings of suspicion and jealousy in romantic relationships among college students. “This effect may be the result of a feedback loop, whereby using Facebook exposes people to often ambiguous information about their partner that they may not otherwise have access to,” one study writes. For example, cookies and Facebook algorithms can cause a partner’s “hidden” interests to pop up on their feed. The desire to find more information about them can perpetuate further social media use and feelings of mistrust. (Notably, many of these studies have been conducted on college students, so it’s possible that there would be differences among older couples.) One study found that those who are dating people who overshare on social media3 tend to have lower relationship satisfaction (though positive posts about the relationship itself every now and then seemed to mediate that effect). “Social media tends to ignore the gritty and mundane parts of a couple’s lives,” says Ken Page, LCSW, psychotherapist and host of The Deeper Dating Podcast. Struggles, chores, compromise, and intimacy in the midst of challenges—these small mini triumphs are valuable, he says. Just remember: A vacation can make you feel happy, but it’s the everyday moments that lead to ultimate satisfaction. When relationships end, it is so often those tiny, mundane moments that evoke the deepest nostalgia, Page adds. The more we become hooked on the dopamine rush of social media, Page says, the less engaged or excited we will feel for the quieter, simpler moments of life. “But those are often the moments when our loved one reveals something personal and intimate,” he explains. Next time you and your partner are together and both focused on your phones, bring awareness to that. “Practice valuing real-time connection over internet connection,” he says. This can help increase emotional intimacy. People with preexisting mental health issues may also be more susceptible to social comparisons, due to a negative cognitive bias8, one study found. On the flip side, lowering social media use has been shown to reduce loneliness and depression symptoms. Though these issues are more individualistic than relational, they can bleed into romantic relationships. When a partner is suffering from mental health issues, they may be closed off to intimacy or become codependent. Several studies have linked social media use and body image issues9. A person’s body image issues can significantly affect their relationships. One Journal of the International Society for Sexual Medicine study shows that heterosexual women with body image issues10 have a harder time becoming sexually aroused. Another study found the way wives perceive their own sexual attractiveness11, based on negative body image, directly affects the marital quality of both the wife and the husband. In other words, these insecurities triggered by social media can interfere with emotional and physical intimacy and the overall quality of a relationship. Research confirms that addictive social media use reflects a need to feed the ego and an attempt to improve self-esteem, both of which are narcissistic traits. And different types of social media play into different aspects of narcissism. For example, people who frequently tweet or post selfies may be displaying grandiosity, one of the common traits of narcissism. Since you can be narcissistic without having a personality disorder, it’s possible to develop these traits over time—and at least one small study has found excess social media use may be a trigger. And of course, being in a relationship with a narcissist is not healthy and can lead to trauma later on. A 2017 survey found 39% of heterosexual couples reported meeting their partner online, compared to just 22% in 2009. A later study analyzing the results found that “Internet meeting is displacing the roles that family and friends once played in bringing couples together.” According to one survey, online dating can be especially helpful for the LGBTQ+ community. Of the adults who took the survey, 28% say they met their current partner online, compared with 11% of partnered straight adults. This is particularly helpful for couples who don’t live together and people in long-distance relationships. According to a survey published in the Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking journal, young adults in long-distance romantic relationships13 are better able to maintain them if they’re using social networking sites. People who have their partner in their profile photo or have their relationship status public on Facebook also tend to be happier with their relationship14, for what that’s worth. As long as it’s coming from a place of growth and not comparison, this type of social media can motivate you to work on parts of the relationship that have been neglected, she explains. In this sense, Page says social media can be used to honor the activities you do and the things you create together. Unlike a physical photo album, social media has the added component of followers. “In this way, social media can be an institutionalized way to express love publicly and invite community support,” he says, “both of which enhance a couple’s ability to flourish.” While these platforms can offer helpful resources, they can also lead to jealousy, mental health issues, and unrealistic expectations in relationships. On top of that, the act of being on your phone constantly can distract from intimacy with a partner. “Social media is not all bad,” Ajjan says, “but if you find yourself comparing your relationship to what you are seeing online, it may be helpful to unfollow accounts that make you feel bad and focus more on accounts that make you feel empowered in your relationship.”
