Here’s what we know about how often married couples have sex, according to research and experts. But first an important note: “A normal sexual frequency is determined by what the couple agrees is mutually satisfying,” sexologist Shamyra Howard, LCSW, tells mbg. And she adds: “Sexual frequency is not an indicator of sexual satisfaction.” For people in their 80s, 19% of sexually active men and 32% of sexually active women had sex at least twice a month. According to the International Society for Sexual Medicine, the 2010 National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior found almost 25% of partnered women over age 70 had sex more than four times a week. “Frequency of sex seems to decrease overall as couples age,” Howard says. Though citing studies on older adults’ sex lives like those above, she adds: “Age is just a number!” Lauren Fogel Mersy, PsyD, psychologist and AASECT-certified sex therapist, adds: “All aspects of our sexuality can change as we age. Arousal and orgasms might take longer, desire can lower, and sexual frequency can certainly decline, particularly as a relationship matures over years. Of course, this won’t be true for everyone, but it is common.” What each couple needs or wants will vary based on their own personal preferences. “The frequency that a couple ‘should’ be sexual is the frequency that they negotiate based on their individual needs and levels of desire. There is no one size that fits all here,” Fogel Mersy says. “I hesitate to recommend a specific number because it won’t fit for a good portion of the population. When people use a statistic to determine their sexual frequency, it reinforces performative sex, which is when you go through the motions just to check the box.” That said, Howard notes that a 2015 study2 published in Social Psychological and Personality Science journal found couples are happiest when they have sex about once a week. Their happiness with the relationship decreased when couples had sex less frequently than that, but it didn’t increase if they had sex more often than that. “It seems like the magic number to sustain positive sexual well-being in a relationship is once a week,” Howard says. (Here’s our full guide to sexless relationships, plus what to know about a marriage without intimacy.) (Here’s what to do if your spouse wants sex all the time when you don’t.) Howard adds: “I will always recommend couples to keep an open mouth when it comes to discussing sex. Talk to each other often.” Here’s more on how to address the sexual avoidance cycle. How do you do that? Howard’s advice: “Scheduling sex doesn’t mean that your sex life will run on a schedule like, every Tuesday, at 8 p.m., in the missionary position, for six minutes. No, not like that. Sometimes scheduling sex is telling your partner to be naked when you get home.” The method might not work for everyone, she adds, and that’s OK. Try it out and see how it feels. If it’s not working, time to try something else. This can be a lot more fun than it might sound. Yes, there will be some tough and vulnerable conversations, but there’s also often fun sexual homework and creative ideas to bring sexual energy back into the relationship. Most importantly, bringing in a third party can help you troubleshoot through recurring blocks and clear any negative energy that might have settled around your sex life so that you two can get on the same page and start fresh. If you and your partner are struggling with physical intimacy, you’re not alone. We outlined a few tips above for what to do if you or your partner aren’t happy with how often you’re having sex. With her warm, playful approach to coaching and facilitation, Kelly creates refreshingly candid spaces for processing and healing challenges around dating, sexuality, identity, body image, and relationships. She’s particularly enthusiastic about helping softhearted women get re-energized around the dating experience and find joy in the process of connecting with others. She believes relationships should be easy—and that, with room for self-reflection and the right toolkit, they can be. You can stay in the loop about her latest programs, gatherings, and other projects through her newsletter: kellygonsalves.com/newsletter
