He tries everything he knows to do and performs well. Sometimes I have orgasms, but mostly, I don’t quite get there. I am still learning my own body, so I haven’t been able to guide him to my supersensitive spots. I don’t know what to do, so I am reaching out to you. Any advice helps. First, thank you so much for asking this question! I want to let you know that you’re not alone. Statistics vary, but according the Centers for Disease Control, one in four women experience violent trauma, and one in five report being raped. That doesn’t even take into account other less “criminal” traumas women experience. So, congratulations on the work you’ve done to heal and create an enriched life that includes good sex! As somebody who grew up with abuse and sexual trauma—which I experienced growing up in a religious cult—helping people heal from trauma and abuse is the foundation of my work. It took many years for me to heal, but the process and the end result are more than worth the work. I promise you don’t need to be a victim of past trauma. You CAN find solutions and be more powerful than before you were wounded. I encourage you to try to approach your sensuality without judgment and without shame. The saddest part of trauma for me is that most victims feel shame, and as a result, they don’t speak out or find ways to heal. Practicing tantric techniques will help. They are effective ways to heal because they work with the body and spirit as well as the brain. Sexuality, in tantric thinking, is physical, psychological, and spiritual. The good news is, your difficulty reaching pleasurable orgasms is most likely psychological, and tantra will help you break through that imprint. One more note before we dive in. Remember that as you heal yourself, there are women around the world who’ve also experienced trauma. Even asking this question will help thousands of readers, so, kudos! The problem with surviving trauma is that most of us do this by shutting down some part of ourselves in order to survive that moment. We are still primal creatures. If we think about the traumatic times as being, say, a saber-tooth tiger we had to run from, it explains a lot. While running from the tiger you might have stubbed your toe, but stopping to feel that pain slows you down, which is a bad idea. Instead, your brain tells you to ignore your toe and keep running. Because there’s no time to experience all the emotions that you felt during that trauma, you shut them off, go numb, and survive. But, it’s only by un-numbing that you’ll be able to truly heal. You have to allow yourself to feel pain, and then let it go—let go of the rigid control so you can become resilient and flexible and not break apart because of your past hurts. Why? Because experiencing an orgasm is, in many ways, the ultimate act of relinquishing control. It’s a total release at the physical, mental, and spiritual level. Before an orgasm, the whole body tenses and then completely loses control in climax. You are unable to move over from the tension to the letting go for the orgasm to be a complete climax if you can’t relinquish control. So, how do you do that? I’ll show you. The good news is that you have attracted a kind partner who wants to help you and is not judging you. Make sure you are not shutting him out of communication about your past trauma and how that is affecting your experience. It sounds like he will be able to handle you sharing, and opening your voice will be healing to you and build deeper intimacy. The fact that you really like him could actually be part of the difficulty. It’s scarier to lose control, sometimes, with someone you really like and are afraid of losing. What if you get hurt again? You have to risk opening your body, mind, and spirit in a moment of orgasmic bliss. Know that you will always be OK because you love yourself first. It’s easy to get your body naked with a partner but scarier to be naked with your authentic self. Lose the fear and you’ll find yourself better able to relax with and connect with your partner—and possibly have a really good orgasm! To work on connecting and letting go, I recommend my KISS meditation, which I developed after traveling in India for nine years to learn the secrets of tantra. I have concentrated it into a potent exercise that can change your intimacy and sex forever. In my classes and workshops, I use a method called KISS to explain the true mission of tantra: With that mission in mind, here are my five tips on how to incorporate tantric sex into your sex life: Prolonged eye contact during sex lets you see deep inside the other person and lets them see deep inside you. When people close their eyes during sex, they are often focusing on their own pleasure or thinking of something—or someone—else. Or, they are just afraid to be truly connected. Eye contact helps you be fully connected to your own sensations and feelings and to your partner’s as well. By sitting still, holding the aforementioned eye contact, and breathing in unison, you create an instant and intimate connection. There is no sexual touching involved here, but you do want to use the feather-like touch to caress your partner. The second position has the woman’s knees over her partner’s legs. In the third position, she straddles him and wraps her legs around him—chest-to-chest, heart-to-heart, and genitals-to-genitals. We are prolonging intercourse to build up that arousal and tension. I recommend that couples try this position for at least five minutes in the beginning and build up to 10 or 15 minutes. Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil, a licensed sex and relationship therapist who has studied oxytocin, says, “Oxytocin is a powerful hormone. With the 20-second hug—chest-to-chest—you will feel a rush.” Can you imagine what you will feel with 15 minutes of yab-yum? Isadora passed away on March 26, 2017. During her life, Psalm made a name for herself as a bold, outspoken sex, relationships, and trauma expert who lived to inspire the next generation of women. She demystified the ancient secrets of Tantra to make them accessible to the modern masses. Raised in a religious cult as a child, Isadora endured years of sexual trauma that eventually ignited her passion to teach sexual empowerment and modern sex ed. In 2007, Isadora traveled to India to immerse herself in the ancient teachings of Tantra to facilitate deep healing and discover her own path as a healer. For eight years, Isadora traveled to India to delve deeper into the path of Tantra and teach yoga to sex-trafficked women in the red light district of Calcutta, work that would eventually become part of a documentary titled Shakti. She studied the Śrī Vidyā tradition of Tantra under spiritual guru Sri Amritananda (Guruji) in Pradesh, India, and was initiated into Shakti Tantra Yoga. We will miss you, Psalm. You will certainly never be forgotten.
