Although they’re great now, you can’t help but imagine how the relationship could go horribly wrong. You think maybe this means they’re not the right person for you because if they were, you wouldn’t feel this uneasy about letting them in. You feel overwhelmed, so you respond by backing away, then ultimately shutting down the connection and moving on. Better to end it now before you can get really hurt. When someone wants to connect on a deeper level, the person with intimacy issues may even want it too, but the fear of possible hurt is stronger. So, they respond with a set of avoidant behaviors designed to protect their inner world. As they’re reacting, they may not be aware that they’re even pushing people out. They’re just doing what feels safe. “All of this is not a conscious decision to hide these parts of yourself. It’s survival,” licensed marriage and family therapist Alison Gomez, LMFT, tells mbg. “A misconception is that it should feel easy to be intimate with people you care about, but that’s not necessarily true. Intimacy is not always safe with everyone, even if it is someone you love.” Intimacy can be nurtured through sexual, emotional, intellectual, experiential, and spiritual experiences. There are also different types of intimacy that we can holistically share with someone else, including: But “if someone’s never comfortably experienced this in their initial relationships or relationships later in life, this type of closeness is so unfamiliar it may feel threatening.” Instead of wanting to relate and move closer, there’s a feeling of shame. A person who is afraid of intimacy feels unable to give and receive freely; it just feels too risky or futile to put themselves out there for potential hurt. “In order to be able to be intimate, there needs to be a sense of safety to show those vulnerable parts,” she says. “If the environment responds to vulnerability with punishment, shame, and guilt—like when children are overwhelmed with big emotions, make a mistake, mess or have their interests dismissed—then it lets the child know that it’s not safe to show those parts if it happens on a consistent basis.” As an adult, without the early experience of safe intimacy, they repeat what they know. After a while, it becomes automatic to disengage and detach. Being extremely close with someone doesn’t seem like an opportunity for worthwhile connection but an invitation for disappointment. “Disconnection from others, while lonely and distressing, can also be comfortably uncomfortable,” Gomez continues. “You know what to expect. Being intimate when feeling unsafe is terrifying.” “It can lead to feeling disconnected in a romantic relationship [by] not sharing feelings, thoughts, opinions, physical intimacy, dreams, goals, or even financial concern,” Gomez says. The other partner can then harbor “feelings of resentment, guilt, shame, and sadness.” But the harder they try for more, the harder the person with a fear of intimacy may forcibly keep up their boundaries to minimize the anxiety they’re feeling, even at the cost of pushing their partner away. Gomez does note that it’s always OK for people to want to take their time in a new relationship and not want to rush into intimacy too quickly. Some people also simply prefer more casual relationships, and there’s nothing wrong with that. The key is understanding the difference: A casual dater chooses not to get too invested because they want to explore their options or are just not looking to settle down, whether for now or at all. On the other hand, a person with a fear of intimacy actively wants commitment. But as soon as they come close to receiving it, their fear activates, and they push away the connection that they do ultimately want. If you grew up with your caregiver meeting your needs, Lurie says you develop a secure attachment style in which you feel worthy of love and confident in creating emotional connections. “They know that it is OK to need or depend on others, and they value being needed in return,” she explains. “Intimacy and vulnerability are not a challenge, as a securely attached individual has a strong sense of self and isn’t dictated by fear of rejection or a fear of losing themselves.” However, if you didn’t experience that safe early connection, it can lead to an avoidant, anxious, or fearful attachment style in which you’re respectively fearful of people being too close, too far, or both at the same time. Someone with an avoidant attachment style is terrified of engulfment, so they push people away, while someone with an anxious attachment style has a strong fear of abandonment, so they pull people in tightly. A fearful attachment style is a combination of anxious and avoidant styles, so a fearful attacher’s behaviors can be doubly confusing in the face of intimacy. “A fear of intimacy is most common with those who have an avoidant or fearful-avoidant style,” Lurie notes. In self-examination, Lurie recommends looking at the overall patterns. “Attachment theory creates the illusion that we all fit neatly into these boxes [when] in reality, many of us display some different attachment traits in personal relationships or at different times of our lives,” she says. “The most important thing is safety. If you’re going to talk to your partner about how you want to be intimate, you need to make sure to leave your judgments, assumptions, accusations, and problem-solving at the door,” Gomez advises. “It’s about being open and honest with your feelings, having compassion for yourself and your partner, and listening.” “As a reminder, it takes time for people to be intimate with others because it does require a level of trust. It’s not healthy or safe to share every vulnerable thing when there is no evidence of safety,” Gomez notes. “When dating, it’s OK to not be vulnerable 100% all the time but to increase intimacy as time goes on if the person is safe.”
