Based on these formative connections, you can fall into four main attachment styles: secure, anxious, fearful avoidant, and dismissive avoidant. The dismissive-avoidant attachment style is easy to spot, marked by someone who tends to avoid intimacy and prefers independence. Where you fall on the spectrum depends on your environment and how your needs were met: “People with this attachment style have no problem being single,” explains licensed professional counselor Rachel Sims, LPC. “They usually date many people but lose interest as soon as a sexual partner tries to connect with them on a deeper emotional level.” Psychologist Nadine Macaluso tells mbg this behavior likely originated in response to childhood experiences, manifesting a hyper-independent adult who dismisses and devalues connection. The devaluation is motivated by the need to avoid dependency on intimacy. As such, individuals with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style tend to deny feelings and take their sovereignty to an extreme. They don’t rely on others and don’t want others to rely on them, they keep their innermost thoughts to themselves, and they find it difficult to ask for help. They’re also sensitive to feeling controlled, Sims adds, and they have a core fear of being hurt that makes it difficult to bond and open up. This makes it tricky for them to date since for them, the process of knowing and trusting potential partners is marked by pain, confusion, and distress. Because the child cannot rely on their parents to care for or soothe them, they cope by burying their emotional needs and instead redirect their focus on rules and tasks to avoid the early pain of not connecting with their parents. They learned that if they need something, they must obtain it for themselves. Over time, Macaluso continues, they learn not to depend on others, which makes it difficult to cultivate lasting romantic relationships. “The forced independence develops as a need to avoid feeling rejection and neglect. They become over-attuned to themselves and under-attuned to others in order to need them less,” she says. Here’s what to know if you’re dating someone with a dismissive-avoidant attachment: “Learn positive affirmations and practice repeating them frequently,” Sims advises for the dismissive avoidant. “Notice when you are judging and criticizing others, and bring an attitude of acceptance instead—we are all flawed in some way.” This can look like taking calculated risks with your partner by sharing your needs and allowing vulnerability in small yet consistent increments. “Say yes to situations you might be inclined to avoid, such as going out as a couple or socializing with others,” Sims says. Other compromises can look like the dismissive avoidant identifying themselves as part of a couple by using “we” instead of “I” or “you.” Being able to openly communicate with your partner will be an essential practice to reform how you trust others in relationships. “Practice empathy when confronted by your partner by trying on their perspective [and] expand your awareness beyond yourself and your thoughts by identifying small things your partner does for you,” she suggests. A mindfulness practice—the skill of being present with yourself and the present moment—will also help you feel your emotions as they come up and the potential excitement you have about connecting with a partner. Macaluso recommends allowing yourself to experience those feelings and being OK with the longing of wanting love. The beauty of doing inner work is that you can arm yourself with the tools and resources to cope with your dismissive-avoidant attachment style. You can heal your attachment issues by letting people in and building healthier habits through sustained and consistent practice.
