We spoke with two parenting experts to answer these questions and share advice to offer a path toward effective and child-focused co-parenting. Co-parenting requires flexibility, patience, open and consistent communication, and a willingness on the part of both parents to negotiate, compromise, and be resilient because you won’t always get your way. This can be especially difficult to manage when a romantic relationship with the other parent ends, especially when the relationship ends badly. However, if you and your co-parent are on sufficiently decent terms, then co-parenting can yield many benefits. “Healthy co-parenting looks different for different families. However, the picture of a healthy co-parenting relationship is having both parents present for the big things, i.e., sporting events, school events, birthday parties, etc.,” licensed family therapist Jodie Commiato, LMFT, tells mbg. “Finding ways to continue to participate despite the past is key” to establishing healthy and collaborative co-parenting partnerships. “Despite how much you like/dislike your ex, you must be on the same page regarding the children. This includes the good things (celebrations, parties, holidays, etc.) and the more challenging things like behavior, consequences, and accountability,” she adds. Thompson reiterates that this is the No. 1 tip for effective co-parenting: “It is imperative that the focus always remain on the children.” Thompson and Commiato recommend the following tips to maintain productive communication: Thompson and Commiato suggest taking these steps to ensure you can control your emotions: Thompson and Commiato offer these practical tips to help manage expectations in a co-parenting partnership: It is unrealistic to expect that rules will be identical across two households, but if you and your co-parent establish unified rules and guidelines, children will more easily navigate living and thriving in two households as well as transitioning between them. Thompson recommends allowing children to decompress when they return from the other co-parent’s home, giving them time to get acclimated to the rules and expectations of your home. Likewise, she emphasizes the importance of respecting the rules of the co-parent’s home, so as not to undermine each other. Creating a custody calendar that lays out when the child is with each parent can help remove ambiguity and unpleasant surprises around holidays or school breaks with respect to where the child will spend time. Thompson adds that it is healthy for children to know the schedule of when they will be with each parent to reduce stress. If you are struggling to establish a custody calendar with your co-parent, both experts note that it is useful in some cases to seek professional support in the form of a mediator, trusted third party, family counselor, or lawyer to help create an appropriate and equitable custody schedule. Parallel parenting is a parenting method where each parent has their own independent parenting style, and strict and clear boundaries are established. Each parent sets their own rules and utilizes their own unique parenting style when the children are with them. In general, everything is separate, including school events, appointments, and other gatherings. Commiato notes that parallel parenting usually emerges when negative emotions are getting in the way of parenting. To reduce the potential for conflict, most communication is done in writing, and there is minimal direct interaction between the parents. Despite the complexities of parallel parenting, there are instances when it is the better alternative—for example, when your co-parent is a narcissist or another difficult personality type. Thompson suggests the following actions when dealing with an ex from a difficult relationship: Commiato adds, “This no longer has anything to do with the narcissist; it has everything to do with recognizing that they no longer have power and control over you. Focus on the children, and do what is best for the children.” Co-parenting works for some, and parallel parenting for others. There are positives and negatives to both parenting models, and neither option is better than the other. The key is choosing the method that best facilitates putting the child’s needs first. Co-parenting is often involved with the legal system, through the creation of custody agreements and court-mandated visitation schedules, among other things, which can be useful when things really aren’t working out at the informal level. For instance, if you need to file for sole custody or establish a more legal framework for your custody arrangement, you will need to seek advice from a lawyer who practices child and family law. Understandably, the dissolution of a family and battling over custody can have damaging and negative effects on parents and children alike. Seeking a therapist, psychologist, social worker, or counselor is an excellent way to help manage the emotional burden of the circumstances and can provide solutions for healing and learning to adapt to the new family dynamic. The pain of a breakup doesn’t have to carry forward into your child’s life or into your parenting relationship with your ex, especially when the focus remains on providing a loving, stable, supportive, and consistent environment together as parents where your children can thrive. Miller, known online as Lia World Traveler, is also a public speaker who regularly presents on panels and at workshops, conferences, and events nationally and internationally. She is also foreign service officer/diplomat and has worked extensively on issues across the Middle East, North Africa, Europe, and Latin America.
