According to attachment theory, adults typically have one of four attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, or fearful avoidant. Most people know your attachment style is built in childhood and typically maintained throughout your life, and the goal is always to be securely attached. That means you’re able to form secure relationships with others, can trust easily, and are able to love and be loved. A person with a secure attachment style isn’t afraid of intimacy or fearful of others leaving when space is given. More simply put: Can your attachment style change? The answer is yes, and here’s why: Later in life when he began to date, Aaron experienced a series of unhealthy romantic relationships involving partners that did everything from cheating to lying to monitoring his phone and social media. These partners had one of the insecure attachment styles, and it wreaked havoc on him. Instead of allowing the secure attachment style that he has always known to stay strong and firm, Aaron allowed a wall to build up. He began to become avoidant and dependent upon himself. He was trying so hard to protect himself from getting hurt again by the next relationship that he became the opposite of what he needed. His attachment style moved from secure to avoidant. After processing the breakup and doing some intense work in therapy, she met someone new. I immediately noticed a shift. The way she interacted and talked about him was completely different from the previous relationship. There wasn’t a hint of jealousy or anxiousness. She was OK with the distance and any space he needed for work. They took amazing trips together, and she was able to love and be loved freely. When I brought this to her attention, she acknowledged how true it was—the way she engaged with her new boyfriend was indeed much healthier than in her past relationship. Susan did not exhibit the anxiety and worry she had once felt. Later, we found out he also had a secure attachment style, which perhaps contributed to the noticeable difference in dynamic. It was a prime example of a truth about the nature of attachment styles: A person’s attachment style can change depending on who they are in a relationship with—or in some cases, permanently change. All that said, I have been in therapy on and off for over a decade. During this decade, I have done some deep work on myself and how I interact with others. More recently, I was dating someone who clearly had an avoidant attachment style. I could not see it at first, but then the signs became clear. Instead of me going back into my normal anxious attachment style, I did the opposite. I started to exemplify elements of being securely attached. Seriously, my therapist literally stated, “I am so proud of you. I do not know if you see it, but lately you have been handling your relationships in a secured way!” Bingo! It happened again—but this time, with me. Why? I had put in the necessary work toward reaching a healthier state, and, man, did it feel good. To be honest, it still takes massive work on my end. I want to go back to my old “anxious” ways all the time because that is all I knew for so long. But it feels good to be on this side. Here is where I choose to stay! Changing your attachment style for the better is no easy feat. It takes acknowledgment, work, rewiring of interactions, resetting boundaries, learning healthier ways of relating, and sorting through your trauma. Professional help usually goes a long way. Here are some things to remember when working to change your attachment style: As a relationship therapist in private practice at KW Couples Therapy, Jackson helps couples heal their relationship, prevent divorce, and keep families together while increasing sexual, physical, emotional, and spiritual intimacy. She has helped countless couples increase their intimacy, learn effective two-way communication, and heal after affairs.
