“An abrosexual person may be drawn toward androgynous partners and desire to have frequent sexual interactions for a year or two and then find themselves romantically attracted to hypermasculine partners but not have much interest in sex for the next six months,” she tells mbg. “These fluctuations may occur over various periods of time for different people but indicate a pattern of significant fluctuation in sexual orientation.” That said, it’s important to note that those who identify as abrosexual aren’t “just confused” or struggling to make up their minds. Abrosexuality is a valid, specific orientation and should be treated as such. “This isn’t necessarily the same thing as just not feeling like having sex at any given moment—asexuality is typically more sustained than that—but there may be some overlap with gray-A identity here,” she explains. (That’s shorthand for graysexual, which is on the asexuality spectrum.) Queen says many pansexuals will be attracted to all types of people regardless of (or inclusive of) gender variation, and even if they have a monogamous relationship with one person, they will still feel this attraction to all kinds of folks and identify around it. On the other hand, an abrosexual might connect with one partner out of the many they might be into and identify with that orientation only for a time before sliding into another identity (or activity) with another type of partner. Additionally, an abrosexual might not be attracted to all genders, as a pansexual would, but rather some subset of all those types. “For some period of time, an abrosexual may be strongly drawn to female partners and at other times male or somewhere in between. Those attractions do not necessarily occur simultaneously, as they would for a pansexual,” Stray Conger adds. “While I am biased toward being transparent, I realize there are situations when this is not safe or where a person doesn’t really know their own patterns yet—I’m not trying to impose this, just encourage folks to ‘know thyself,’ as the sages would say,” she adds. Stray Conger also recommends checking in with yourself frequently. She says connecting to how you are feeling in your body and in your attractions on a regular basis will help you to recognize early cues to when your interests are beginning to shift. “Instead of fighting against an attribute that others may consider fickle, lean into the reality of how you experience relationships and learn about yourself in the process,” she says. “There’s no rule an abrosexual can’t be in a long-term relationship or be monogamous, so it’s probably also useful for the person to have a sense of their relationship interests and goals,” Queen says. “Of course, if an open relationship is on the table, learning the skills to ethically conduct such a relationship will be important: communication, honesty, negotiating expectations. Safer-sex skills too!” By doing so, you’ll not only be able to better understand and support your partner, but you’ll also be able to express your own needs and boundaries about the relationship. From there, you can both support each other and do the work it takes to be in a relationship together. Another great way to approach things is to focus on being in the moment, Queen says. “Build as healthy a relationship with the person as possible so that you can be in the moment with them, not constantly looking ahead for signs of fluctuation in their feelings for you. Fluctuations might happen, for many reasons, in any relationship, and being too on the alert for them can be counterproductive.” “Sexually fluid or multi-sexual people now have more language to specify how their attractions and orientation show up in their lives, and abrosexuality is a way to distinguish attractions that change and shift versus ones that are stable but still multiple, like a pansexual person might experience them,” Queen says. “The language is there to help you feel more connected to yourself and community—not as a rule you have to follow.”
