When something begins to feel like a chore, it’s probably because we’ve mentally made it into one. I know—probably not what you wanted to hear, but alas, it’s generally the truth. Sex, because of how our society portrays it, is made to seem like this extremely sexy event (which it absolutely can be) that happens naturally (which it can) every single time, and each person involved is pleasured to their desired need (which can happen). However, what society and media don’t tell you is this: There’s a lot of communication, intentionality, planning, and messiness involved in sex—like, a lot. So, if sex is feeling like a chore, try saying something like this to your partner: “Hey, sex is feeling like a bit of a chore to me lately, and that makes me sad because I really love connecting with you in this way. Could we talk about some possible ways to meet both of our needs?” If you’re feeling like there is an uneven balance in your sex life, try starting a conversation like this: “Hey baby, I’ve noticed that you’ve been pleasuring me a lot more recently than I have been pleasuring you. In what ways can I help meet your needs better?” Or: “Hey baby, I want to preface by saying that I love pleasuring you, and I feel that there’s a bit of an uneven balance in our sex life. I would love to continue meeting your needs, and can you also help meet mine?” Avoiding blame and approaching our partners with curiosity will also soften the blow of difficult conversations. Remember—these conversations might be uncomfy, but uncomfy doesn’t mean that they are bad conversations. You will make it through! For the person who is initiating, it’s important to ask: How does being the one initiating every time make you feel and why? For the person who doesn’t initiate, it’s important to ask: Why don’t you feel the desire to initiate? Allowing each person the space to answer honestly will give each partner insight into the other person’s whys—then, from there, it’s easier to understand where the other is coming from and figure out next steps. I like defining sex this way because for some people who struggle to reach orgasm, sex isn’t an orgasm. For some who struggle with sexual trauma, sex could be intimate touch and cuddling. While to others, masturbating is just as much sex as penetrative sex with a partner—because even though they are different, they are both forms of sexual expression. If this is something you and/or your partner(s) struggle with, it might be a good idea to explore other avenues of pleasure. Meaning, try erotic massages, try oral pleasure, explore new sex toys—branch out in new ways on your own and with your partner(s) to discover new forms of pleasure. It’s fun, exciting, erotic, and extremely important! Take some time getting to know your body and all the different ways your body responds to pleasure—not only is this exciting for your personal sexual experience, but it will help you better communicate to partners what you like. Which allows your partners to be better lovers to you and creates a more connected experience. Prioritizing you is necessary to have happy, pleasurable sex! If you’re too busy for sex, I challenge you to ask yourself these questions: P.S.: You deserve pleasure. No matter how busy you are. One of the most important key things to remember in this situation is this: if you and your partner(s) are having monotonous sex, you’re still having sex. Which means each person is showing up because they care. Now, it’s probably time to have a loving conversation about your situation. Approach it with curiosity and intentionally. Something like this: “Baby, I love having sex with you, and I feel like I want to explore new forms of sexual intimacy together. Do you feel comfortable discussing this more?” If both people show up, it will likely take some intentional communication to switch things up. Rachel has been featured widely in the media, including on Cheddar TV and PIX 11 (NYC); as a regular contributor to SHAPE, INSIDER, mindbodygreen, InStyle, The Dipp, and Well & Good; and in Cosmopolitan, Women’s Health, NBC News Radio, Huffington Post, and hundreds of other outlets. She has brought her message to stages across the globe, was SHAPE Magazine’s Sex Relationships Coach, and created the virtual workshop series What You Wish You Learned in School: Sex Ed, and she is currently one of mindbodygreen’s article review experts. She also recently did a show at Green Room 42 in NYC called “One Night Stand: A Night for Sexier & Healthier Broadway.” Rachel lives in New York and loves live theatre so much. You can probably find her in PJs eating gluten-free food with one of her partners if she’s not working! Learn more at www.rachelwrightnyc.com or connect in her cozy corner of Instagram, @thewright_rachel.
