The reality is that it is very easy to spot emotional manipulation when it happens to people you love, but professionals say it is hard to spot the puppetmaster pulling your own strings. We spoke with licensed psychologist Kate Balestrieri, Ph.D., CST, and mental health counselor Destiny McCoy, LMSW, about the different types of manipulation that exist, telltale signs to confirm it’s happening to you, and solutions to curb manipulation in relationships. Psychologists say the root cause of manipulative behavior can often be toxic cycles of violence, narcissism, or unhealthy relationships in the manipulator’s own childhood. Manipulation can happen in any relational context, Balestrieri says, including family, friends, professional, romantic, or sexual relationships. McCoy says that if you’re feeling yourself questioning your integrity or “sanity,” that’s a sign that something’s wrong and manipulation may be occurring. “When you doubt your reality, it makes it easier for a manipulator to convince and persuade you to align with their vision,” Balestrieri continues. “The sole purpose of gaslighting is to separate someone from their own reality and elicit doubt in their minds, or the minds of others, so that the person who is gaslighting can get away with something or retain the upper hand when it comes to the perceived control of others.” “Love bombing, chaos, and intensity are frequent and foundational elements, necessary for successful manipulation,” Balestrieri explains. “Keeping relational partners confused and disoriented and distracted by fantasies of what is to come or the good times that have happened is a common tactic employed by manipulative and abusive partners.” Many victims may dismiss manipulation signs as the normal give and take in a relationship, but McCoy says you can tell the difference between healthy compromise and unhealthy manipulation by whether there’s fear involved. “With compromise, there won’t be the thought ‘If I don’t do what that person says they are going to leave me or hurt me,’” she says. If that fear crosses your mind or you feel it in your gut, then chances are you’re being manipulated. She says manipulators may reach out to loved ones or close friends without telling their partner. If it were a positive gesture, it would end in more fun outings or a wider social circle for both partners in the couple. Instead, it’s manipulation when those side conversations put up a smoke screen, increase in-fighting, or worsen isolation. In such cases, the victim’s family and friends may be unwitting pawns in a psychological game the manipulator is trying to win. Selective manipulation can center on one recurring issue, and it can be annoying but innocuous. For example: one partner conveniently dodges the housework, or they always work late on the nights your parents come over. These issues can be addressed by communication and boundary setting, but what you really want to look out for is the toxic manipulation that can lead to abuse. If a romantic partner demands secrecy, has unpredictable mood swings, and downplays others’ distress, these manipulative behaviors may lead to abuse. To know what your boundaries should be, McCoy recommends reflecting on your previous experiences throughout the current relationship and from your previous ones. “Identify what you want and need. Then advocate for yourself.” You should leave any situation that causes you danger or harm. “Sometimes an effective boundary plan and adjusted expectations for the relationship can help make the decision to stay in it manageable and pleasurable,” says Balestrieri. “However, if the other person continuously bulldozes your boundaries, deflects, lies, obfuscates and is otherwise incongruent in their walk and talk, going no-contact may be a useful strategy. Working with a trauma-informed therapist can help you make the decision that is right for you.” Here’s our full guide on how to leave an abusive relationship safely. The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence also has an exhaustive online list of resources to help individuals and families manage a safe start on the road to reclaiming their lives as survivors. “Explore past relationships and even revisit childhood and adolescent relationships,” McCoy suggests. “Were there behaviors, including manipulation, that might have seemed normal or prosocial growing up but looking back you now realize that behavior was anything but normal?” She says those same manipulative behaviors and patterns from your past can follow you into your adult relationships. If patterns of victimization are identified, it is important to invest in your own mental health and self-care, so that you’ll be resilient and resolute in addressing permissive behaviors in the manipulative relationship. In such a situation, it is worthwhile to seek a licensed professional for individual counselling. With the help of a pro, you (and potentially your partner, if they’re willing to do the work with you) can learn new communication tools–like using open-ended questions and non-blaming language—to improve two-way dialogue and to instill a culture of respect for each other’s ideas. Stay true to your gut. Decide which course of action is best for your physical, emotional, and psychological health, whether that means advocating yourself in the relationship or walking away. Know that love and mind games do not go well together. Go boldly toward happiness. Originally from New Jersey, she has lived in Spain, India, Mozambique, Angola, and South Africa. She speaks four languages (reads in three), but primarily publishes in English. Her writing placements range from popular trade magazines like Better Home & Gardens, Real Simple, and Whetstone to academic journals like Harvard’s Transition Magazine, the Centre for Feminist Foreign Policy, and the Oxford Monitor.
