Ahead, psychology experts explain what this kind of narcissism looks like and how to deal with vulnerable narcissists in your life and relationships. “People with vulnerable narcissism often have a deep need for approval and validation from others and experience feelings of inadequacy, anxiety, and depression,” explains Harold Hong M.D., a board-certified psychiatrist at New Waters Recovery in North Carolina. Vulnerable narcissism is also known as closet or covert narcissism because their narcissistic tendencies are not always as obvious or overt. As Hong points out, vulnerable narcissists often deal with high levels of negative emotion, and clinical psychologist and Harvard lecturer Craig Malkin, Ph.D., notes that their perceived level of suffering can even be the very thing they narcissistically exaggerate. “Covert narcissists feel special because they believe their pain is more important than others’,” Malkin previously told mbg. “They may feel like the most misunderstood genius, the person who’s suffering the most, or even the ugliest person in the room.” One study found that people with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) are more likely to have grown up with parents who were highly focused on status and achievements. Because they were often made to feel superior to other children, that belief later persists in adulthood. Other studies1 have found vulnerable narcissists, in particular, have more adverse childhood experiences, including emotional abuse and neglect. The exact cause of vulnerable narcissism may not be entirely understood, but childhood trauma and ingrained low self-esteem are common threads. As adults, these individuals normalize pretending. Vulnerable narcissists wear a mask and do not show their true selves because they fear criticism of being flawed and unworthy of love. Grandiose narcissism is easier to identify because these narcissists tend to be loud, arrogant, and overtly insensitive to other people’s needs. This kind of overt narcissism manifests in extroverted behaviors that affect others. On the other hand, vulnerable narcissists are more challenging to identify. They tend to be introverted, and their symptoms can often lead others to believe they have other mental health concerns, like bipolar disorder or severe anxiety. (Here’s our full guide on what to do if you’re dating a narcissist.) To employ this tactic—sometimes referred to as the grey rock method—she says to minimize your responses. Make them brief and emotionally flat. When a narcissist picks a fight, instead of trying to criticize or correct them, “simply respond with ‘OK’ or ‘mhmm.’” Talking to a psychologist or therapist will help you clearly understand the situation and set the appropriate boundaries. In this way, vulnerable narcissists still exhibit behaviors that can harm others. Even when they don’t intend to, these personalities are likely to manipulate the ones they love. So, if you have a closet narcissist in your life, protect yourself by setting boundaries and taking breaks from the relationship whenever lines—inevitably—get crossed. Originally from New Jersey, she has lived in Spain, India, Mozambique, Angola, and South Africa. She speaks four languages (reads in three), but primarily publishes in English. Her writing placements range from popular trade magazines like Better Home & Gardens, Real Simple, and Whetstone to academic journals like Harvard’s Transition Magazine, the Centre for Feminist Foreign Policy, and the Oxford Monitor.
