With how prevalent affairs are today, it’s important to understand why they happen on the emotional level—because if we can understand the deeper reasons behind why people have affairs, we may be better able to proactively protect our relationships from the potential fall. Not all couples survive (or should) the devastating impact of an affair. This is especially true for those who deem that the relationship isn’t worth the tremendous effort required to grieve, transform, and heal the trust. Some relationships have such a crumbled foundation, or perhaps there was never a strong one to begin with. Both partners may not be ready to take ownership of reaching such a low place, individually and as a couple, which is an essential first step in the repair and growth process. While many use the pain from an affair as a catalyst for transformation, there is definitely a better way. The key is to do everything you can to get ahead of this kind of devastating crash. The first proactive step is awareness. I can’t tell you how many times I hear, “I’m not sure how this happened. I never thought I (or my partner) was capable of having an affair.” Many fall into the illusion that they are immune to the allure of an affair. They feel sideswiped as to how they could have let this happen. Wanting to know the why is the betrayed partner’s constant front-runner desire, only second to trying to calm the emotional storm and grief from finding out. This is why it’s so important to dig deeper and learn about the reasons people form secret relationships and betray their partners, often whom they love very much. Falling out of love is a passive term; that is, it just happened to me. The truth is that the fulfillment and good feeling we seek inside can only be sustained, and endlessly expanded, through effort and growth as we creatively evolve in the relationship. Our natural inclination is to get caught up in what we are not receiving in the relationship, totally missing the importance of putting skin in the game. Many are not aware of or prepared for the level of effort that a successful relationship requires, which leaves them more vulnerable to the instant feel-good of new, forbidden attraction. Many in a committed partnership don’t realize they need to be on guard for the dopamine surge when receiving romantic attention or an accepting ear. Crisp boundaries are essential. Many secret relationships start with just a little flirting or emotional disclosure, and before you know it, that little spark flames rapidly into a bigger ember, then a raging fire. No one is immune to an affair, especially when feeling lost, even if you love your partner and still consider them your chosen lifetime mate. Without being aware of, accepting, and knowing how to effectively take care of our difficult emotions (e.g., feeling anxious, trapped, depressed, lonely, unhappy, uninspired, undervalued, or insecure), the instant feel-good of a new relationship can become too hard to resist. For too many, secret relationships can evolve into an addiction, used to further dissociate from exiled emotions. Self-awareness, and learning skills to regulate one’s emotions, gives us a fighting chance to resist the intoxication of attraction and sexual attention. Successful couples have deeper conversations about their relationship and share time together as much as possible—with no responsibility—where they dip into dating again. As difficult as it may be to carve out emotional time and space for your relationship, you and your family have everything to gain. A secret relationship can trigger the same kind of response as substance abuse, gambling, or other addictions. We can become “addicted” to infatuation and to the attention from a potential love interest. Once the brain pathway is established for the kind of pleasure that a secret relationship brings, then be on the lookout for the cravings. When the cravings take over, we lose touch with logic as we are carried away into impulsive adventure like an adolescent. We are more likely to judge reality in egregiously biased ways when we lack understanding of our brain chemistry. Other biological factors may also have an influence on our risk for having an affair. For example, one survey found that those with an ADHD neurology, which comes with a weaker prefrontal cortex, are even more likely than the general population for a physical affair. Further, a 2019 study1 found that men with higher levels of testosterone were more likely to cheat than men whose testosterone levels were lower. While our biology doesn’t define us or definitively determine our actions, our own brain chemistry plays a huge role in the decisions we make and can actually cause us to cheat ourselves from our inner knowing. Awareness of this is an important first step in protecting oneself (and in many cases healing from) the madness that lust creates and the deep trauma that infidelity causes. Glik earned her doctorate in counseling and masters in psychology from the University of Missouri. For her postdoc, she has trained in somatic healing approaches and has actively studied with The Kabbalah Centre since 2004. Glik is known for her unique approach blending traditional psychotherapy with kabbalistic wisdom. She hopes to inspire couples and individuals to reveal the gifts inside their challenges. Rachel has been married for 33 years and they have two grown children. Funny enough, her daughter has found her purpose as a therapist; and her son, like his father, is passionate about the retail business.
