When you look at the perfect storm that we face beginning in our 40s and 50s—disappearing fertility, hormonal changes, children leaving the nest, aging or dying parents—it’s no wonder that our relationships and our sex drive get put on the back burner and begin to wilt. After a while, we feel as if we have completely lost our sexual being, which is a depressing conclusion to come to, and one that I sought to challenge. I know this to be true from my own personal transformation as well as through the extensive research study I conducted for my book Sexually Woke. I studied a group of over 1,000 women between the ages of 45 and 65 and discovered that 7% of women in midlife have fulfilling sex lives and relationships. (Other studies have found up to 1 in 5 women saying the same!) While this percentage might seem small, the fact that this is true for some women—whom I call the “sexually woke”—means that it is possible for all of us. Here are six ways you can begin to reawaken your sexual being and enjoy pleasure in your 50s and beyond: As we experience hormonal and physical changes in midlife, vaginal intercourse becomes increasingly difficult, if not agonizingly impossible. There are countless other ways to express intimate physical contact—the only criteria is that it creates pleasure for both parties. This could include cuddling, touching, and rubbing the genitalia together. Focus on whatever expression of sexual intimacy conveys a feeling of connection equally to you both. Not only do we require more stimulation as we age, but we also can benefit from new types of stimulation. This can be a fun new experience and way to reawaken your sexual being—with or without a partner—as you explore your body in a different and exciting way. While I believe in loving yourself as you are, I also believe in the power of taking the initiative to address the changes in our sexual bodies that happen due to aging—like vaginal dryness and decreased sensitivity. There are a number of products available to improve sexual desire and functioning, both topically in the form of lubes and creams as well as more in-depth surgical and nonsurgical treatments. Talk to your doctor about what the procedures, products, or other options might be helpful for you. While our 30s and 40s are often devoted to work, raising kids, or both, giving us little time for self-reflection, our midlife years offer an opportunity to start relieving ourselves of those burdens, hardships, and resentments. Journaling and meditation can help with this process. Resentment is the No. 1 libido crusher for women, so forgiveness and restoring our relationships are key for healthy, satisfying sex lives in our 50s and beyond.
