Many couples opt for a sleep divorce to promote overall sleep quality, decrease conflict, and have their own space. Sleeping in separate bedrooms is often seen as a sign of an unhealthy or troubled relationship—but it may actually be just the opposite. Sleep divorce agreements can be long term or temporary, depending on the situation. For example, some couples sleep together the majority of the year but separate throughout a pregnancy or an illness. Sleep divorce is not for everyone. In fact, some studies have shown people do sleep better with a partner (or at least their scent). However, if sharing a bed is beginning to interfere with your quality of sleep, it may be worth considering. “It’s important that couples spend time cultivating their own interests, doing things they enjoy on their own, which helps facilitate a healthy sense of self beyond the relationship,” he recently told mbg. “Otherwise they risk enmeshment, which usually leads to complacency and feeling unfulfilled.” When bringing it up, Brown-James says to reassure your partner they’re wanted and loved: “Intimacy can still be had. It’s just for sleep and rest.” It may also be helpful to track your sleep patterns on a fitness tracker or app for one to two weeks and then journal about your sleep experience. “Be as honest as possible, and include any connections you see between lack of rest and strained interactions between you and your partner,” Cullins says. “Approach any discussion about sleeping apart with sincerity and care. Let your partner know that you’ve put some serious thought into your request, and be willing to share your sleep logs or journal with them.” Keep in mind, while you’ve had time to process the potential change, your partner hasn’t. Be patient as they think through the decision. “In the end, you may have to compromise by sleeping apart on some designated nights of the week while agreeing to sleep together on some nights,” Cullins says. “Remember, intimacy is not necessarily full-on intercourse,” Brown-James says. “Intimacy can be body rubbing, sexting from another room, using pleasure-enhancing devices, and simple things like specific pleasurable touch.” There are many types of intimacy, and not all of them involve sex. (And by the way: sexual intimacy and emotional intimacy are closely linked, and more of one usually leads to more of the other.) And when you do sleep in the same bed from time to time? Choose the right couples sleeping position to find the right balance of feeling connected and comfortable.
