Maybe this heart-wrenching thought has crossed your mind recently. If so, there are two things to recognize right way: First, even though there may be some signs your husband isn’t in love with you, you can’t know for sure until you actually talk to him about what’s going on. There may be an infinite number of reasons your husband might feel distant or seem unloving at the moment, even though he may still be in love with you. We reached out to couples’ therapists to ask about how to know if your husband is still in love with you and what to do either way. Note: Different people may express love in different ways (hence, the five love languages), so a lack of gifts or kisses alone doesn’t necessarily mean your husband doesn’t love you. It’s a change in behavior and a decrease in previously present forms of affection to look out for. “A change in routine can be a glaring clue that his feelings have changed,” Henry says. “For some, a shift in libido can also be a sign that love is waning,” clinical psychologist Carla Marie Manly, Ph.D., adds, though of course there can be many reasons a husband doesn’t want sex other than a lack of love. Some related signs to consider: A man also doesn’t necessarily need to be leaving the house to be seeking time away from their spouse. “Many husbands retreat into work and hobbies naturally,” Manly says. “When a husband routinely begins to overwork, spend more time with hobbies, or chronically engages in activities that decrease couple time, it’s a sign that something is wrong.” Some related signs to consider: Note: Sometimes people go through phases of being too stressed, distracted, or simply disconnected such that they’re simply not feeling particularly chatty after a long day of work. So talking a little less than you have in the past doesn’t necessarily mean your husband isn’t in love with you anymore, especially if it’s only a recent or temporary phase. Some related signs to consider: Some related signs to consider: Some related signs to consider: According to Henry, it’s about recognizing the difference between being in love and loving someone. “Being in love doesn’t equate to whether you love someone or not. I think being in love can be an ebb and flow, whereas loving someone should be more constant,” she explains. “The marriage doesn’t have to be over because feelings have changed. I think it’s unrealistic to expect that the intensity or level of feeling will be the same over time because circumstances can have negative impacts on the relationship.” Perhaps something has pulled you and your husband apart. But if you’re both still committed to working on the relationship, it’s possible to bounce back. On the flip side, if your husband knows his feelings won’t change again—or he isn’t willing to put in the effort to see—then it may be time to consider divorce. It’s also worth noting—because many people may wonder—if your husband says he isn’t in love with you anymore, Henry says it doesn’t necessarily mean it’s because he’s in love with another person. There are many reasons people fall out of love, and most often it has to do with people simply growing apart. “Maybe he’s going through a transition, or maybe you’ve changed without realizing it,” she says. “In a marriage, partners need to communicate frequently because they are individual people growing at different rates.” Then, really invite your husband to share his experience of what’s been happening in the marriage. “Be willing to hear his feedback and experiences in the marriage,” says Henry. “Try not to accuse or assume.” “If your husband is game for working on the marriage, that’s a terrific sign. Unless one or both partners are unwilling to work on the marriage (including attending therapy), returning to a place where both partners feel loved and valued is truly possible,” Manly notes. You may benefit from journaling about your thoughts and feelings as you think through what you want, she adds. One or both of you may find that it’s too hard to return to the way things were, and if so, you may need to honor those feelings. (Here’s our full guide to couples’ therapy.) Keep in mind: Your husband will need to make efforts to make sure you feel loved and secure going forward, but likewise, there may be changes you need to make too. “If there are areas where you feel you could improve (e.g., being more communicative), do your best to evolve in that way,” she says. “No matter what, any self-work you do will benefit your mental and emotional health in the long run.” With her warm, playful approach to coaching and facilitation, Kelly creates refreshingly candid spaces for processing and healing challenges around dating, sexuality, identity, body image, and relationships. She’s particularly enthusiastic about helping softhearted women get re-energized around the dating experience and find joy in the process of connecting with others. She believes relationships should be easy—and that, with room for self-reflection and the right toolkit, they can be. You can stay in the loop about her latest programs, gatherings, and other projects through her newsletter: kellygonsalves.com/newsletter
