If you’ve started to notice signs that you’re checked out of your relationship, whether you’re feeling bored by your partner or just yearning for the intense connection you felt a few months ago, there are a ton of things you can do to get the relationship back on track: There are many ways to describe the practice of cataloging one’s thoughts to improve a relationship. To love yourself is to know yourself, which means you’ve got to study. Create a personal textbook of your interior life by hitting down what was on your mind each day. You don’t have to share with your partner, and, in fact, you probably shouldn’t. You’re just using the journal to regulate your own thoughts and reflect on your habits. Cut down on your screen time little by little, and you’ll discover all kinds of new things about your relationship. It’s crazy how we experience others’ company when we’re not half-listening to them1, walking around on dates with one foot planted firmly on Twitter or in text conversations with someone else. Of course, most of us share our lives with a collection of loved ones, including friends of any gender, but our romantic partners do tend to take precedence above everyone else. It’s not a question of shoving others out of your life; you’re just trying to prioritize your partner when you dole out your (limited) daily attention to the people who care about you. When you have even a mild confession, whether it’s a hot take about a popular movie or an embarrassing teenage memory, try it out on your partner before getting too deep in intimate conversations with someone else. If you and your partner are privileged enough to have work-from-home days, or, better, paid personal time off, schedule a long weekend together and play hooky. Or, hell, pick a random Wednesday and sleep in for a few hours. You’ll find that the world feels larger and more full of possibility when you’ve suddenly got nothing to do on a random weekday, and the novelty can do wonders for your relationship. See a matinee or pick a nearby town to explore. Go to the grocery store and pick up ingredients to make something you’ve never tried to make. It doesn’t really matter what you do, as long as you do it together while enjoying the precious hours away from the grindstone. You can actively train your mind to frame observations about your partner in gratitude by setting yourself a reminder to do so. And don’t worry; you don’t have to annoy your partner by thanking them for a random act of love every single day. You reap the same benefits by just letting the gratitude occur to you privately. Often, feelings of anxiety arise inside us when we’ve allowed another person to cross one of our unspoken boundaries. If you’re not comfortable saying no to those you love, you may find yourself in situations where you feel irritated and obligated to act a certain way. Let’s say, for instance, that your partner invites you to Sunday brunch with their friends, but you’re having a rough workweek, and you know you’re not going to be in the mood on a Sunday morning. A person with healthy boundaries will know to say, “That’s all right, babe; I’m going to sit this one out and chill, but I can meet you afterward.” A person with loose boundaries might say, “Definitely, I’ll be there,” and then they’ll feel trapped the whole brunch and probably end up saying something they’ll regret. Practice giving your partner a simple no on a low-stakes request. Pro tip: A no always goes down easier if you provide a fun alternative that doesn’t stretch your boundaries. If any part of you is still giving out emotional breadcrumbs to other romantic options, now is the time to let those connections fade away. You don’t have to get super dramatic about it and stage a breakup; just be honest with yourself about your intentions and make a brave choice. If you’re still holding on to the possibility of hooking up with those attractive Plan B folks waiting in the wings, do your current partner a favor and cut them off. Quit faving the cute selfies, unsubscribe from the Instagram stories, and stop being a Reply Guy. You’ve only got so much gas in your tank, and if you’re depleting your supply by spreading it around, your current partner is going to feel the lack of attention in time. When you go out on the town with another couple, or even two or three other couples, you and your partner naturally spot differences between everyone’s unique relationships. If your coupled-up friends are nitpicky with each other, that’s something you and your partner can discuss later. “We’d never act like that,” you can say to each other. Regardless of whether or not it’s true, feeling slightly superior to other folks can bond the two of you together. And, hey, if you’re on a double date with a couple who seems genuinely happy, try to note some of their positive habits and make them your own.
